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people speak to the person’s need in a conversion only 3
percent of the time. That means 97 percent of the time we
are more occupied with our own feelings than the feelings
of the person we are talking to.
It is not always easy. In fact, for some of us, listening is a
matter of difficult discipline. There is saying, people do not
care how much you know, until they know how much you
care. That is a fact. And noting expresses genuine caring as
much as looking into a person’s eyes and listening to his or
her heart.
Be Prepared
Sometimes you get a fear of people that is really rooted in a
feeling of being unprepared for a situation. If you are
nervous about what you know or do not know, your
confidence is going to drop and your anxiety will take over.
If you are not ready for a conversation and you are feel like
you are on shaky ground, it is going to be hard to get good
communication going with someone else.
You have got to learn to read your own inner signals. If you
have got that, I need to be more sure of the facts anxiety,
then go back and get the facts you need. Sometimes you
need to back off, catch your breath, watch and listen for
awhile. You may need further background information
about the person you are going to talk to. Preparations is
part of developing good relationships.
Be Authentic
People need to feel they can trust us, that we will be honest
with them and have their best interests in mind. We need to
be fair and trustworthy and dependable, always. All it takes
is a couple of slips in this area and people will hear about it
and start shrinking away. God is pleased by pure hands and
a clan heart. If you are authentic with people, if you
genuinely care about what happens to them, they will see
that and respond to it.
Remember, you do not establish good relationships with
people by lying to them. You establish good relationships
by telling them the truth. However, you do not need to tell
them everything, of course. There are some personal areas
of life that people do not need to know about. But do not
ever try to deceive people. It will always backfire, even if it
seems beneficial at the moment.
Find a Connection
People are like islands and you are like a boat sailing
around the coastline, trying to find a harbor, a place to land,
to make a connection. You may sail around an individual
for a while looking for that docking point, the one place
you can come in close and develop a special
communication.
Build Bridges
Wise people make it a point t build bridges to other people,
regardless of how significant or insignificant they seem to
be at the moment. Never, never make a needless enemy.
There are great spiritual, ethical and moral reasons behind
this principle.
Even if you feel like someone is attacking ou, and your
natural tendency is to either retreat or strike back, stop and
think before ou react. What is it going to cost the
relationship? If you retreat, you are building a barrier, and
the relationship will die of neglect. If you fight back, you
are generating hostility, and the relationship will burn up in
the fire of that conflict.
So what is better? To practice the art and the discipline of
bridge building, even when you are hurt. It is not an easy
decision, but it one that will pay off enormously. That does
not mean you build deep friendships with everybody, that is
not possible or even necessary. But no matter what the
circumstance, you keep the lines of communication open
with as many people as you can.
Be Empathetic
Empathy is feeling with another person, putting yourself in
his or her place and sharing writhing situations. Most of the
time, people are not purposely trying to be difficult. They
just have certain conflicts they are dealing with, internally
or expectantly, that you are not aware of. Another
important thing to know, people are not usually aware of
their own prejudices, their assumptions or their hot buttons.
So be sympathetic and cautious. Try to walk in their shoes
so you can understand why they do what they do and feel
what they feel.
Learning to speak the other person’s language is part of
empathy. This is not limited to other nationalities, the
principle is true even when everybody’s speaking your own
native language.
Stand Firm
Even when you care about other people, you can not allow
them to control your life.
Defuse Conflict
Conflicts with people are an inevitable part of life. You can
not avoid them altogether, but you can keep them short
lived by using a few simple techniques. First of all, when a
hot moment arises, do not feed the conflict. Defuse it. Stop
taking. Do not defend yourself. Listen. Get calm before ou
say anything. Sometimes, you may need to go away for a
few hours. When you let the hot moment cool, it becomes
manageable again.
One thing I do when potential conflicts arise with people is
apologize. Most people are afraid to apologize for anything
at all. That is because they do not understand the power of
it. I will apologize at the drop of a hat. I will apologize for
things that are may fault and things that are not my fault. I
have found out that apologies are magical. They take the
pressure of the situation off the other person and put it on
me. That stops the conflict immediately.
The bottom one is this, do not push people. When you
push, they push back. When you attack, they either fight or
retreat, neither of which will build a successful relationship.
So practice a soft responsiveness with other people, no
matter what their attitude is.
Focus On a Solution
When there is problem in a relationship, your goal is to
solve the problem, not win the war. Everybody has an ego,
it is a normal human desire to want to be right in a given
situation. But if you let that desire control you, you are
going to confuse the issue and contaminate the situation
until no one can determine what the problem is, much less
the solution.
Before you can solve any problem, you need to decide
exactly what you want. That is common sense. But
common sense is not so common as you did think. Most
people in a conflict situation have not taken time to figure
out what they want themselves, much less what the other
person’s objective is.
But you can not solve anything until you know what you
are after. Objective and solution are going to fall into two
categories, logistical and emotional.
Use, Can You Help me?
If a wife feels that her husband does not listen to her, that
he is angry with her, and that they are having conflicts in
key areas, that would be advisable to sit down quietly at a
time when they are both feeling relatively calm. She might
day, I know we are having problems in these areas, but I
need your help. Most men will respond to that request
because it breaks down the barriers and brings the other
person onto the solution process. It creates heart to heart
contact between people so they can help one other find a
mutually beneficial solution.
Practice the Duck Response
Just like water rolls of the oily back of a suck, let thing roll
off your back. Most people do not set out to insult or hurt
us. Unfortunately all of us at times say thing or use facial
expressions that others could misinterpret as a hostile
comment or expressions. So it is better to give people the
benefits of the doubt and assume that no harm was meant.
Develop a Sense of Humor
Humor puts people at ease. It brings people’s defenses
down. Humor about your own dealings communicates to
people that you do not take yourself too seriously, which is
a trait of someone who is generally humble and easy to get
along with. A good laugh makers us feel better physically.
It actually works muscles that make us breathe more
deeply. And humor can softer the blow when things are not
going well. After a point, you may as well laugh. It is better
than getting angry or worrying about something you can
not control.
Express Genuine Praise and Appreciation
Make it a practice to lavish praise on people. Not false,
manipulative flatters, but genuine praise appreciation. It
always possible to find something to compliment, even it
the overall appearance of a person is not appealing to you.
Make it a point of find something good. Then observe it out
loud. Praise is something people are deeply hungry for but
very seldom get to taste. If you are willing to give it, people
will begin to gravitate toward you. They will find it
difficult to leave you. And they will look forward to being
with you again.
But when you praise people, be specific. Observe what they
did that was praise worthy and applaud them for it. People
desperately need praise for a job well done, but they tend to
get embarrassed with generic, unjustified praise. It is much
better, for example to say, John, your work this month has
been excellent, then to say, you are a good person.
Express happiness
People like doing business with people they like. If the
employees in a certain store make you fell happy, you are
going to want to shop there. It is only natural. So if you
want to develop good relationships with people. So if you
want to develop good relationships with people, become a
happiness magnet.
Make Change Easy
We need to make change easy for their people, particularly
of we are offering a new business opportunity, a new
decision, or a commitment to a cause. Why? Because most
people are afraid to change.
Become a Storyteller
It is well known by the best communicators in the world
that the most powerful way to get something across to
somebody is though a story. Stories about people and
events are more interesting to hear and easier to remember
than dry instructions form one to ten. Stores also bring out
more people’s emotions, making the learning process
livelier and more fun. Life is not about facts and figures, it
is about people, their feelings, their actions, their decisions,
and their results.
Pray for People
Prayers do not need to be profound or complicated, they are
just simple conversation with God. Yet prayer is a great
way to release tension and reconnect with someone you
love when times are difficult. Whether it is financial stress
that is eating you up or you have been irritating each other
without meaning to or even when things are going react,
paying together is a bond that makes everything better.
God’s love starts pouring in and solving problems inside
and out.
