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As a parent, it’s one of the toughest gigs out there.
You have this little human being you adore to the moon and back, but boy, can it be a challenge to navigate those formative years. You’re doing your best, trying to give them all the love, guidance, and support they need. But you’re also human, you make mistakes.
Sometimes it’s subtle, other times not so much. You say something you think is harmless or even supportive, but it might just be doing more harm than good. It’s not always easy to spot these missteps because they’re often ingrained in our own upbringing or societal norms.
Here’s how to identify those eight phrases that should be avoided when talking to your child during their formative years, according to a psychologist. This might just change the way you communicate with your little ones.
Sure, it’s not going to be easy—change never is. But trust me when I say it’ll be worth it for your child’s emotional and psychological development. And who knows? You might just pick up some valuable communication skills along the way.
So buckle up, folks! This parenting journey is a wild ride, but I promise you—it’s worth every single bump.
1) “You’re just like your [parent/sibling]”
This one is an easy trap to fall into, especially when you’re frustrated or in the heat of the moment. You might even think it’s an innocent observation or a way to encourage better behaviour.
But here’s the thing: comparison cuts deep, particularly for a child who’s still figuring out their own identity. According to psychologists, these sorts of comments can lead to feelings of resentment, inadequacy, or even confusion about their self-worth.
Remember that each child is unique, with their own strengths, weaknesses, and quirks. Celebrate these differences instead of using them as fodder for comparison.
A simple rephrase can make all the difference: “I noticed you did this just like your brother. But remember, you have your own unique ways and qualities that make you special”.
Sure, it might take a bit more effort—but trust me when I say it’s worth it.
2) “I’m disappointed in you”
This phrase, it’s a tricky one. It seems like a reasonable expression of parental emotion, doesn’t it? But lurking beneath the surface, it packs a punch that can wreak havoc on a child’s self-esteem.
You see, children are naturally eager to please their parents. When they hear “I’m disappointed in you”, what they often interpret is “I’m not good enough”. And that? That’s a heavy burden to carry.
I remember when my own daughter came home with a less-than-stellar report card one day. My first instinct was disappointment, and I found myself on the brink of uttering that dreaded phrase.
But then I paused, took a deep breath, and instead said, “I know you’re capable of better. Let’s work on this together.”
And let me tell you, the change in her face was immediate. Instead of feeling defeated, she felt supported and motivated to improve. It was a valuable lesson for both of us.
3) “Because I said so”
The wise words of Franklin D. Roosevelt come to mind: “Rules are not necessarily sacred, principles are.” This quote, though not directly related to parenting, holds a crucial lesson for us parents.
“Because I said so” is a phrase that many of us resort to when we’re tired, frustrated, or simply out of arguments. However, what it does is dismiss the child’s curiosity and desire to understand the ‘why’ behind our directives.
When we say “Because I said so”, we miss an opportunity to guide our children through the logic of our decisions and actions. It also risks breeding resentment and rebellion in the long run.
So the next time my son asks me why he can’t have ice cream before dinner, instead of resorting to “because I said so”, I’ll take a moment to explain why it’s important to eat a balanced meal before indulging in sweets.
It may take a few more seconds, but it’s an investment in his understanding and respect for principles.
4) Stop crying
When a child cries, it’s their way of expressing discomfort, sadness, frustration, or a multitude of other emotions. They’re not doing it to annoy us or draw attention—though it can feel like that at times.
Now here’s something you might not know: crying can actually be beneficial. It’s a natural way for the body to release stress hormones. So when we tell our children to “stop crying”, we’re essentially asking them to bottle up their feelings.
Instead of shutting down their emotional expression, why not validate their feelings? Try saying something like, “I can see that you’re upset. It’s okay to cry. Let’s talk about it when you’re ready.”
By doing this, we’re teaching them a healthy way to manage their emotions and that it’s okay to show vulnerability. Plus, it fosters an environment of trust where they feel safe expressing their feelings.
5) “You’re okay”
This phrase is often our go-to when our children get hurt or are upset. We mean to reassure them, to help them shake it off and move on. But sometimes, in our attempt to comfort them, we unintentionally dismiss their feelings.
When a child scrape their knee or get their feelings hurt, their pain is real and significant to them. Telling them they’re okay may seem like we’re invalidating their experience.
An alternative approach would be acknowledging their pain and then offering comfort or assistance. Something like, “I can see that hurt. Let’s clean it up and put a bandage on it,” or “I understand why you’re upset. Let’s talk about it.”
This way, we’re teaching our kids that their feelings are valid, and we’re here to support them through their hardships, however small they might seem to us.
6) “You should know better”
As parents, we often have high expectations for our children. We want them to learn, grow, and make the right choices. But let’s face it, they’re still children, and mistakes are part of their learning process.
When we tell them “You should know better”, it may come across as scolding or shaming. This can lead to feelings of guilt or embarrassment, which are not conducive to learning.
Instead of using this phrase, we can help them understand the consequences of their actions. For instance, “When you took your sister’s toy without asking, it made her feel sad. How can we make it right?”
In this manner, we’re not just blaming them for a mistake but guiding them towards empathy and understanding. We’re helping them learn the value of responsibility and making amends—key life skills that they’ll carry into adulthood.
7) “Wait until your father/mother gets home”
This one’s a classic, right? We’ve all heard it, and some of us might have even used it. The intent is to instill fear or respect, but what it often does is shift the responsibility of discipline to the other parent.
This phrase can also undermine our own authority and position as a caregiver. It sends a message that we’re not capable of handling the situation ourselves.
Instead, try dealing with the situation immediately and fairly. If your child has done something wrong, address it there and then. You can say something like, “What you did was not right, let’s talk about why and how to make it better.”
We’re teaching our children accountability and that every action has an immediate consequence. Plus, we’re also showing that we are capable of handling any situation that arises, reinforcing our role as their caregiver.
8) “You’re so negative
Finally, we come to the labeling trap. It’s easy to fall into, especially when we’re frustrated or angry. We might say something like, “You’re so lazy” or “You’re so stubborn”.
Here’s the thing: children are incredibly impressionable. They believe what we tell them about themselves. If we label them negatively, they might start to internalize that label and believe it to be true.
Instead, focus on the action, not the person. For instance, instead of saying “You’re so messy”, you could say, “Your room is messy. Let’s clean up together.”
By doing this, we’re teaching our children that it’s their actions that need improvement, not their character. It’s a subtle shift but one that can make a world of difference in how they perceive themselves and their abilities.
In the end, it’s all about fostering a positive and supportive environment where our children feel valued, heard, and loved – because that’s what they truly deserve.
